By Lou
Maitri: lovingkindness, friendliness towards self and others.

I had not thought of my own internal struggles as a war within–until recently. This past year presented three different situations in which I was maitri challenged. They involved my car, a fountain in my yard and a recall on my hip replacement. They were all paid for, repaired and now in need of re-repair! Any one of these was stressful, but three at once had all of my attention. And I was building quite a case in my head on how these situations weren’t right or fair. I was using a lot of energy to justify how I was right and they had been wrong. The doctor, mechanic and fountain person were becoming the villains in my story.
I remember an article Mr. Iyengar wrote about dealing with stress, and this line stood out: “We have to know how to deal with ourselves when the external world disturbs us.” And I was disturbed! My inner conflict was how to stand up for myself and what is best for me, while not being consumed with anger and resentment at having to deal with all of this.

Around this time, a doctor friend told me a story of a patient who was waiting to be seen, and somehow her name had gotten lost in the shuffle. After some time, she approached the desk, and asked about it, and caused such a scene that everyone scrambled to get her in. Even with all the doctor, nurses and staff did, she stayed upset and let them know how inconvenienced she had been. Now, whenever she comes in, the staff and nurses are very nice, but braced for her complaints and relieved when she is out of there. My friend remarked that the women had won the battle, but lost the war. She is thought of as the angry, demanding patient whenever she comes in.

I became aware that I needed to decide how do I deal with these “inconveniences”, these disturbing injustices: a faulty hip, a fountain that wasn’t working and unsatisfactory car repairs. The most harmful part was how I felt inside.

I had started yoga in 1980 to handle the inner and outer struggles, as well as the strong emotions that kept me trapped and unhappy. I remember in my very first yoga class, going in feeling overwhelmed and sad, and the transformation after class of feeling more at peace, at ease with myself and the conflicts in my world. My first introduction to Sutra 1.33, I thought, what lovely words and ways of being and connecting. These were ideals I wanted more of in my life: lovingkindness and friendliness, compassion, joy and tolerance and equanimity – both for my self and others. I included myself, because honestly I had to start with me to assuage my own demons before I could feel these caring attitudes towards others.

Thinking about my early yoga experiences and what I was facing at the time made me wonder what kind of person I would be without my yoga practice, teaching yoga, my students (whom I learn from), the Sutras, my teachers, the Iyengars, The Iyengars!, my trips to India. They have all profoundly influenced me and given me guidance. These yogic teachings have given me ideals to grow up to. And there I sat with my recent battles and coming to terms with how they were impacting me and my well being. Truthfully, I was getting tired of being upset, and of feeling scared and alone with what to do.

Originally, I sought out my doctor because he was the best in his field for what I needed fixed. With all the problems with my hip replacement and then the recall, I decided a new doctor was what I needed. In my anger and fear, I considered doctors in other areas and cities, but realized my doctor was still the best I could do for me, and I needed his help.

I needed to loosen my rigid position and to make friends with this idea of getting him to help me again. First, I had to let go of being right. Right about how wrong the first surgery had gone and the complications that came with it. The being right was a rigid position fueled by my anger that the people I turned to for help had let me down. My anger and emotional distancing was my way of holding them apart from me and what I was going through. Feeling more positive and hopeful about what I faced became more important to me than being in a battle against them. As my feelings changed, my interactions changed with the doctor and his nurse. My doctor friend of the above story said to me “You know this surgeon wants nothing more than to make it right with you and a new hip”. I just had to drop my criticisms and rigid positions to hear this. It was allowing myself to feel they wanted to help me and were on my side.

So as my inner dialogue changed, and I surrendered my position of being wronged, we weren’t in a battle against each other, we were working together. Like in every yoga pose, what do I hold onto that uplifts and supports, and what parts do I need to let go of to create space and openness? What needs to be strong, and what parts of me need to soften and be receptive to move forward in a positive way? As long as I fanned the flame of me against them, I would stay stuck and not move towards positive solutions and outcomes. Letting go of blaming the doctor came from wanting to feel better and brought with it a mental and physical release.

Maitri is a practice, a way of being that opens my heart and mind, making it possible for me to connect to others and to receive their love and support. Three months out from the surgery, I experienced wonderful support, care and treatment from the doctor and staff. The pond has fish, but lots of algae. And I am still looking for a new mechanic!